They Were Feelings, Not Expectations::Breaking Free To Be A Better Person

Day 34

Current Office Goals

  • Search for freelance writing jobs
  • Drink only water because I finally have invisible braces!
  • Come to terms and accept my personal, concrete expectations and stop letting my old feelings taunt me as fake expecations

Ok, that last one might just be an overall concept to grasp over time. Still, it’ll be a brief topic of conversation that may turn into a rant.

I’ve been super upset lately over how I’ve treated my writing talent. My dream was to turn it into a career, but I ended up coming up with excuse after excuse to put it aside. Life got in the way, the 2008 recession took away the jobs I worked towards, and I spent a good chunk of my 20s broke, gaining weight, battling mental health issues, and struggling to keep my bills paid.

Years later, nearing the age of 30, it’s almost as if my brain has calmed down and given me a chance to see my surroundings. I don’t spend the majority of my day worrying about keeping my bills paid. Most of my demons calmed down. As of this morning, I’m also down 11 pounds!

My biggest stress is thinking about not living up to expectations. When I start reading up on how to write full-time or listening to podcasts, I compare my life journey to theirs and feel terrible. Why did I waste so much of my life? Instead of all those hours just sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I could have taken advantage of every writing opportunity.

In the end, I felt like I met zero expectations.

Recently, I realized the truth. These were not expectations. It’s all man-made feelings I created to just make me feel sorry for myself.

This is not the way to live. I love to write. I love to read. Nothing else, hobby-wise or even live, should get in my way.

I’m shedding those old feelings. I had similar hard feelings when it came to exercise, eating right, and paying off debts. Each time, I felt horrible for not doing it before. Trying to change the habits initially made me feel embarrassed about doing terrible things in the first place.

No more feeling sorry for myself. Because I took those first steps in the past, I paid off most of the debts, I’ve cut down on junk food, and I’ve lost weight.

This blog post reads something like a poorly written essay based on a high school English class prompt. I don’t care. I’m leaving it. Woot!

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I am a starving artist who was never meant for the traditional path. After losing my job and having our lives turned completely upside down, my husband and I are working towards the creative and unique life we've always wanted.

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