They Were Feelings, Not Expectations::Breaking Free To Be A Better Person

Day 34

Current Office Goals

  • Search for freelance writing jobs
  • Drink only water because I finally have invisible braces!
  • Come to terms and accept my personal, concrete expectations and stop letting my old feelings taunt me as fake expecations

Ok, that last one might just be an overall concept to grasp over time. Still, it’ll be a brief topic of conversation that may turn into a rant.

I’ve been super upset lately over how I’ve treated my writing talent. My dream was to turn it into a career, but I ended up coming up with excuse after excuse to put it aside. Life got in the way, the 2008 recession took away the jobs I worked towards, and I spent a good chunk of my 20s broke, gaining weight, battling mental health issues, and struggling to keep my bills paid.

Years later, nearing the age of 30, it’s almost as if my brain has calmed down and given me a chance to see my surroundings. I don’t spend the majority of my day worrying about keeping my bills paid. Most of my demons calmed down. As of this morning, I’m also down 11 pounds!

My biggest stress is thinking about not living up to expectations. When I start reading up on how to write full-time or listening to podcasts, I compare my life journey to theirs and feel terrible. Why did I waste so much of my life? Instead of all those hours just sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I could have taken advantage of every writing opportunity.

In the end, I felt like I met zero expectations.

Recently, I realized the truth. These were not expectations. It’s all man-made feelings I created to just make me feel sorry for myself.

This is not the way to live. I love to write. I love to read. Nothing else, hobby-wise or even live, should get in my way.

I’m shedding those old feelings. I had similar hard feelings when it came to exercise, eating right, and paying off debts. Each time, I felt horrible for not doing it before. Trying to change the habits initially made me feel embarrassed about doing terrible things in the first place.

No more feeling sorry for myself. Because I took those first steps in the past, I paid off most of the debts, I’ve cut down on junk food, and I’ve lost weight.

This blog post reads something like a poorly written essay based on a high school English class prompt. I don’t care. I’m leaving it. Woot!

Recovering and Reprogramming

Day 28

Current Office [& Life] Goals

  • Finish writing another fan fiction chapter
  • Manage time wisely today to balance rest with my normal Sunday chores
  • Track my calories today

I hurt my shoulder Friday morning. Well, it woke up hurting. I’m not sure what I did to it, if anything. I got a bulging disc last year, and it happened again. I’m able to function, but the muscle is still tight.

The injury threw me off this weekend. The doctor gave me some muscle relaxers to help me rest, and I ended up sleeping most of Friday. I also ate a giant cheat meal Friday and went passed my calorie count on Saturday.

It’s only been two days, but I want to spend today getting myself back on task. I realized when I’m tracking my calories, I tend to be more organized about the rest of my day. While I still intend on resting my shoulder as much as possible today, I still want to get other things done.

Time to maximize my lounging time. WOOT!

I also bought a new robe to enhance post-shower time and days of relaxation. Yay!

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I look like a sparkly Care Bear!

The Snow is Melting

Day 19

Current Office Goals

  • Pay my bills
  • Eat my lunch (I ate most of it… it didn’t reheat well)
  • Finish this blog post

Today is the first nice day in a long time. In honor of it, we are spending most of the day outdoors. The husband and I are finishing up lunch and then heading out for a walk.

I need to master the art of time management. I can get so much more done on the weekends, but I need to find what works for me.

There is rain expected in the forecast tomorrow. We got some DVDs from the library to enjoy. Maybe I’ll just keep my laptop close while we chill.

Feeling All the Feels

Day 18

Current office goals:

  • Write 1,000 words of my fanfiction (I’m only at 890 right now)
  • Listen to punk rock
  • Nurse this headache

I’m very uncomfortable right now. I can’t sit right in my office chair for some reason. There is also a nagging pain at the base of my neck, slowly creeping up into my brain. I’ve been intermittent fasting, and I may have overdone it today. Don’t worry, I plan on skipping the fast for a while to give my body a break.

I’m trying to give myself a chance to have the feels. I’m one of those people who feels emotions 100x more than the average person. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t feeling some sort of extreme. For example:

I REALLY love this song!! I am in such a good mood I want to dance around the apartment.

I forgot to put the leftovers away. I’m such a damn idiot. I’m so mad at myself!!

My neighbor had to put her dog down. I can’t stop crying for days.

As I’m approaching 30, I think I finally had enough years to get a grasp on who I am and what the hell my body is doing. And quite honestly, these extremes are exhausting.

I’m trying to find the balance, trying not to have an extreme reaction over every little thing throughout the day. I’m also giving me a quiet chance to just sit alone with my emotions and just feel them in a safe space.

For example, I am feeling nostalgic and (a little bit) sad (for some reason). After mindlessly scrolling through my phone for an hour on the couch, I snuck into my office to do some work. As stated above, I worked on my fanfiction. I’ve also listened to all my sad songs and just let myself exist without having a reaction for anyone else.

It’s nuts, probably, but it’s who I am.

This Post Has No Point

Day 6 of 2018

Current Office Goals:

  • Finish this post to force myself to write today
  • Draft a blog post with a point
  • Drink more water

It’s cold, and I’m starting to feel it in my brain. I try not to be a wuss when it comes to cold. I grew up in Central Minnesota, so harsh winters are not new to me.

As odd as it sounds, Indiana has spoiled me the last few winters. Right now, this is probably the coldest winter I remember after moving here 3 years ago.

I have some time to actually sit and crank out a few words. James is doing some volunteer work, and I have roughly two hours to kill. The way I see it, I don’t need to make it super beautiful and poetic, I just need to make it.

WRITING UPDATE:

I found an old draft of  fan fiction story I started so long ago. I pulled it back into my main documents and began adding to it again. It seems like a waste of GB, but I’m glad I save as much work as I can.

… I had another idea to go under this bracket, but I went to Facebook to look for a link and lost my train of thought.

AH HA! Found it again.

I can’t find the link to the specific one I had in mind, but I’m going to start submitting my short stories and poems to a few different literary magazines. Stay tuned for that nonsense. WOO!

Insert Clever Title Here for Day 2

2018: Day 2

Current Office Goals:

  • Title this damn blog post (nailed it)
  • Start my fan fiction (at least 100 words)
  • Drink cranberry juice

Really? It’s only day 2?

I was concerned I was putting way too much pressure on myself. All at once, I’m trying to change my eating habits, my lifestyle habits, and my creative habits. It turns out I was not prepared for the emotional response to these things.

It’ll require balance. I need to make these changes, and I need to take care of myself.

I’m already frustrated. Bah! I need a nap.

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